A friendship can change when romantic feelings or physical intimacy enter it. The connection may remain close, while neither person knows what to expect from the other. If it ends, the loss can be difficult to describe: you may miss a friend, a partner, and a future you pictured together.
A “situationship” is an informal term for a connection with romantic or intimate elements but no clear, shared agreement about the relationship. The term does not tell us how meaningful that connection was. What matters is how the people involved understood it and how it affected their lives.
Why Uncertainty Can Be Distressing
Uncertainty can leave important questions unanswered. Are both people hoping for the same kind of relationship? What boundaries apply? What happens to the friendship if the romantic connection changes?
A 2022 study by Roi Estlein and colleagues examined relationship uncertainty and psychological distress among established couples during the COVID-19 lockdown in Israel. The researchers found associations between some forms of uncertainty and distress. The study did not examine friendship-based situationships, and it does not establish that uncertainty causes a mental health condition. It does support taking persistent relationship uncertainty seriously rather than dismissing it because a connection lacks a formal label. [1]
When expectations are unclear, it can help to ask direct questions about what each person wants and can offer. An answer may be painful, but it gives both people a clearer basis for deciding what they need.
Why the Loss Can Feel Hard to Explain
The NHS includes the end of a relationship among the losses that can bring grief. It lists possible feelings such as numbness, sadness, exhaustion, anger, and guilt. People do not experience these feelings in one set order. [2]
That matters when a friendship and a romantic connection overlap. A person may grieve daily companionship, affection, familiar routines, and the possibility of a future friendship. They may also feel unsure whether others will understand the loss.
The absence of a clear relationship title does not make those experiences insignificant. You do not need to settle exactly what to call a connection before you can acknowledge that its ending hurts.
Mixed Feelings Are Part of the Experience
Missing someone and feeling angry with them can happen at the same time. A person may understand why the other made a decision to leave and still feel hurt by it. Regret about one’s own actions can exist alongside grief about the relationship’s end.
These feelings do not prove that someone has failed to heal. The NHS notes that grief can affect people differently and can surface unexpectedly. [2] It is more useful to notice how the feelings affect sleep, concentration, work, and daily life than to measure them against a fixed sequence.
Taking responsibility for harm also does not require someone to deny their own pain. Both people’s experiences deserve to be treated honestly.
What Helps When the Relationship Changes
Clear boundaries can reduce some of the uncertainty. If one person asks for distance, respecting that request means allowing them to decide when or whether they are ready for contact. The other person can also decide how to care for themselves during that time.
Daily habits matter as well. The National Institute of Mental Health recommends regular meals, sleep, physical activity, manageable priorities, and connection with supportive people as ways to care for mental health. [3] None of these removes grief, but they can help someone meet their needs while going through it.
Writing, making music, or talking with someone you trust may offer ways to express feelings that are difficult to say directly. If distressing symptoms persist or interfere with everyday life, a healthcare professional can help. You do not need to prove that the relationship was “serious enough” before seeking support. [3]
The Day It Doesn’t Hurt: What I Wanted to Say
I made my eight-track album, The Day It Doesn’t Hurt, from things I wanted to say to someone I loved. The songs follow an emotional story, though my feelings have never arrived in this order:
- Anger: Remember My Hurt asks her to recognize that I was hurting too.
- Confrontation: You Choose Me voices my wish to be chosen.
- Detachment: The Silence Hits You sits with what silence leaves behind.
- Abandonment: You Still Left tells her that, even when I understood her decision, I felt left behind and the abandonment hit hard.
- Realization: I Thought You Saw It Too questions whether we understood our connection in the same way.
- Mourning: The Friends We Never Got To grieves the friendship I hoped we would have.
- Grieving: Grieving You admits that I still miss her.
- Acceptance: The Day It Doesn’t Hurt looks toward a future in which I can remember her without the same pain.
Some tracks speak to her. The last one begins to speak to me. I arranged them to tell a story, not to suggest that anger ends before grief begins or that writing about acceptance means I have reached it.
Healing Does Not Require a Fixed Timeline
There is no need to identify which “stage” you are in today. You can focus on a smaller question: what do you need to get through this day while respecting both your feelings and the other person’s boundaries?
A relationship can be difficult to define and still leave a real loss. Taking that loss seriously is a place to begin.
References
[1] Estlein, R., Segel-Karpas, D., and Elran-Barak, R. (2022). “Relational uncertainty, interdependence and psychological distress during COVID-19: A longitudinal study.” Stress and Health, 38(5), 1029–1044. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.3155
[2] NHS. “Get help with grief after bereavement or loss.” https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/
[3] National Institute of Mental Health. “Caring for Your Mental Health.” https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
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